I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent.
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, 'First offender?' She says, 'No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!
What is Beethoven's favorite fruit? A ba-na-na-na.
What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1
I'd like to give a big shout out to the sidewalks... they've really kept me off the streets.
Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper? Never mind... it's tearable.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?
Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents!
Can February March? No, but April May!
What's a sea monster's favorite snack? Ships and dip!
Have you heard of the band 1023 MB? ...they haven't got a gig yet.
What do you call bears with no teeth? Gummy bears!